The games we play

Why I've started making my own rules in the game of life

I met

Lauren Lanoue

during a writing conference back in 2022. Looking back, I think meeting her was the one good takeaway from that event. She was in the early stages of talking about how she wanted to write about her life as a newly-recovering rule follower.

Her words connected with me and I am so proud to see her sharing her wisdom and inspiring others with her own Substack, Rule-Breaking News. If you’ve been looking for someone who knows what it’s like to begin the process of shattering your “shoulds,” then click this link below and check her out.

I’ve been thinking about my first conversations with Lauren. I recall feeling like I was 100% all-in on living what she talked about. “Shoulds” have smothered me for most of my life.

Those “Shoulds” are often silent rules we place on ourselves based on what we want others to think or our own warped sense of expectations. As a perennial people-pleaser, I found plenty of shoulds to keep me in line.

But, each time I didn’t measure up to those imaginary rules, I felt shame, disappointment and frustration. And I’d create more shoulds, because, clearly, I wasn’t doing things correctly. So, let’s set some more boundaries or a higher bar to jump. Yeah, that should help…

Shockingly, that strategy hasn’t worked. In fact, it’s blown up in my face and I’m only recently coming to terms with it as I work my way back to finding the life I want for myself.

Yes, the life I WANT for myself. Not the life I SHOULD live.

Where did it go wrong?

When I started my health journey back in 2017, I did it because I faced some difficult choices: keep going the way I was and probably die, or perhaps have weight-loss surgery that scared me more than dying a slow death through food and apathy.

Or, I could start to change my life.

And I did! I joined Weight Watchers. I started moving my body. I started feeling good.

Then, the shoulds kicked in:

• I should follow the food plan exactly, or else…

• I should constantly think about my food in judgemental ways

• I should do a 5K now that I’m walking more.

• I should walk/run faster!

• I should go farther!

• I should do more!

And for a long time, I felt pretty damned good about my progress. I crossed off some major life goals—Disney races, lots of other races, and feeling pride in all of my accomplishments.

I even started writing a book about it all. THIS time was different. I did all of the things I should do and there was no going back.

Except, I have been slowly going back for the past 2 to 3 years. Why? All of those shoulds caught up with me.

Pushing myself so much physically caused injuries, which left my body feeling weak and my heart/mind vulnerable.

Constantly working toward improvement left my spirit tired and I lost my grip on the habits that helped me feel better. It was as if that wasn’t enough anymore. I broke the rules of the game and I lost.

What if we could create our own games and rules?

Since the start of this year, I’ve decided I’m done wallowing in my backsliding. There were many reasons it happened—some good, some are just excuses. I’m still ahead of where I used to be, even if I’m not where I want to be right now.

I also know I can’t go back to the person who followed rules based on other people’s shoulds or the ones I manufactured based on what I believed a particular program or person was looking for—I don’t want to be someone who is obsessed with my food intake and has to push myself to exhaustion with each workout.

What if I could create my own game (goals) and make my own rules?

I’m not talking about “The world has to play my way or I’m taking my marbles and going home.”

I mean instead of depending on other things or people to set the course of my life and what I should do, I want to tap into what motivates me and brings me joy instead of constantly feeling like I need to measure up.

For the past two months, I have been looking for ways to move more because I want to be stronger and feel good—not to achieve some major goal to validate my life or my journey.

I’m experimenting with ways to look at my eating habits without totally obsessing over them and starting a binge/apathy stage that has bit me in the ass more times than I can count.

I’ve started working with a writing coach and team to rework my book, which I hid from for 2 years because I know I am no longer the person who wrote all of those words. Yes, sharing my experiences of conquering a half-marathon while obese is a worthy story to tell; but, it’s only a half-truth now.

When I began sharing my experiences with the world, I kept referring to the messy middle of a long-term weight loss journey. I may have become a little cocky as I was thriving in the middle—because it wasn’t messy at that time.

I know I burned myself out so much, it took two years to see where growth is possible from all of this “wasted time.”

I’m still in the middle, and it is certainly messy—but I’m also finding new ways to start each day.

Life on this path is MY game and if I don’t figure out the rules I want to play by, I will never make any more forward progress. No one person or program can design it for me. I am the author of my Create Your Own Adventure.

I also need to understand that rules can be bent or even broken. Maybe guidelines are a better word. The writer in me is still working on that.

I need to have the confidence that I know what’s right for me and that I can do this my way and find a new meaning of success.

February Wins

Thanks to my own game with my own rules, here are some of the fun wins I accomplished this past month!

Books Read

I managed to get three books completely read in February and completed one this morning—but I’ll save that for next month since it’s already March 1 :)

By using a combination of my Kindle and Audible (at a faster speed), I can get through more books in a way that works for me! See! My game, my rules!

My February 2024 Books!

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” and “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” by JK Rowling: Yes, I may be one of the last adults on Earth to have started the series so late, but I finally finished the “Harry Potter” books! It has been quite the ride and I’ll share my thoughts on the books (and how they compare to the movies) in a separate post. Yes, I enjoyed them. Yes, they got quite LONG towards the end of the series.

Both of these titles are available for free if you are part of the Amazon Kindle Unlimited program. No, I don’t get a kickback if you sign up. I just like talking about free books!

”Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear” by Elizabeth Gilbert: This book is a solid 10/10! As a creative person who is learning to make her own rules, Gilbert’s words about pushing through fear and getting in touch with your inner voice at first sounded a little “woo-woo” to me. But, WOW. Hearing how a famous writer struggles with fear, doubt and the other things that haunt us was validating. She also gave some wonderful encouragement on how to get through that fear—not just “Forget it and move on!.” Even if you’re not a writer, but have some big goals and dreams, “Big Magic” is worth the read.

Keeping up with the temps!

That’s right! I have kept up with my temperature blanket project—and the end of February has given me some variety in color! For the first time, I used two colors to mark temperatures because we had a high temperature at 3:45 am of almost 70 and then crashed into the mid-30s where it stayed the rest of the day after heavy thunderstorms. That was worth noting!

Goal/Game Tracking

I hit 100 hours of tracking my games/goals for the year! I’m working on things like my writing, reading, exercising, and my blanket. When I finish an hour on any of them I fill in the chart. I am part of Jon Acuff’s Guaranteed Goals Community and this is one of the fun ways we go after what we want. Plus, I’m a sucker for stickers and stuff.

Is it exact? Nope. I’m trying to keep it easy and breezy. And it’s working!

Book progress

Signing up with a book coach and team was one of the best things I could have done! It’s an emotional process as I rework my book to what best represents my authentic self. I love the graceful accountability I have with my newly found tribe.

I’m well into deep revisions of the manuscript and it’s a new place for me. It’s scary and uncertain. I have a long way to go. But, for the first time, I feel like I may get to a place where it’s ready to share with the world!

If you’ve hung on for this long, thank you! February may have been the shortest month—even with the extra day—but it gave me a chance to do some challenging work to lead me out of the shadows and back to moving forward on the road to what’s next.